The Beauty of Authentic Relationship

kandaThe Beauty of Authentic Relationship.

 The wave that is emitted by one person who has awakened to their true nature is very powerful, but the wave that is transmitted by TWO people, in relationship, who have awakened to their true nature, is exponentially greater. Consider the gentle waves created when a pebble is thrown in a pond, and then consider the impact in the same pond of a rock.

 Meeting each other in truth is so powerful, and sometimes tough, but always real.

It is a commitment, not a static place one arrives at, but an ongoing journey as one discovers deeper and deeper levels within oneself.

 There is no cover up, no game, and no ‘funny business’.

 In all my previous relationships, and I now see it in almost every other relationship I witness, there are what I call ‘The Tentacles of Collusion‘ that we wrap around each other. We do this unconsciously to create a hidden contract, a binding unconscious agreement that there are places in ourselves and with each other ‘that we don’t go to’. This tentacle binding happens, generally, in the first two years. It is the unresolved ‘stuff’ that we carry through our lives projected onto intimate relationship. It is our personal baggage, what we have learned about the other and how to relate. This mysterious contract states ‘If you do abc then xyz will happen’. For example ‘If you attack a vulnerable area in me and make me feel bad then I will leave you and you will be sorry, so don’t do it’. This is our unspoken language, the language of gestures, sideways glances and negative energy. It is what moods are. It is how one goes unconscious in relationship and finds oneself many years down the road wondering what happened and feeling imprisoned.

 Commitment to true relationship is a commitment to the end of ‘moods’. Moods are indicators of stuckness, of identification with the small self, ego, and tend to, particularly if the mood is bad, be destructive. If you only relate well when you are in a good mood then the relationship has to agree to always keep you in a good mood. That is unreal and unachievable. It will only work if one totally submits their will to the other, and it will NEVER lead to happiness, neither will it serve the world. It is not love. The whole point is to rise above moods. That means sorting out your stuff.

 When the overriding commitment in each party is to truth, not just personal truth, but the deepest truth of who we are, something very different happens. There is no battle to be right or to elevate oneself above the other. There is no sense of justification, no defence or attack. There can be the pain of opening to one’s own rigid beliefs, meeting the edge of one’s small self. But when there is deep trust that the other is not trying to win, or to bully, or to get something for themselves, then all challenges point us back inside ourselves. It becomes self inquiry. It becomes an authentic exchange.

 This is a delicate experience. In my relationship with Amoda ( we do not ride rough shod over each other. There is deep respect for each other, not the respect of formality that we adopt in civil society, but the deep respect that one has for a wise person or a spiritual teacher. There is a deep care that carries us. We do not take each other for granted.

Doesn’t this make our relationship boring, stale and very serious?

That is what some people imagine. But it is the total opposite. Those ridiculous push, pull games that people play, particularly the ‘I love you I hate you’ game, has no depth to it. It is stuck on the surface of life and offers no illumination. On the contrary, we are always stimulated, always inspired and constantly diving deeper into ourselves. The relationship is primarily a means for us to find out who we are and to live from that place. It is not separate from our awakening, it is fundamental to it. And it is not a theoretical awakening. It is a real life demand on each other to show up, to be real and to go deeper. I know for me this has been tough, but for Amoda this has not been an issue.  I readily ‘confess’ that I brought many issues into this relationship, but, it’s not about FIXING them.

 We are not in a fixing relationship, we are in what Amoda might call a “demolition project”. We are busy demolishing everything that is false so only the truth can remain. So the issues that I brought into the relationship have not been fixed so much as demolished, seen for the lies that they are, and vanished. Our house is built on truth, which makes it the kind of house that people look at and say “wow”!

 When we embarked on this journey (we are now married) I thought I was ‘awake’. I had done some personal work, mostly shamanic transformation, and I really thought I knew about love. 11 years later I realize I knew nothing then, I was blind and naive but I was somehow following the scent of truth and liberation. The last 11 years have been my teacher. It has not always been easy for me.  I have met my edges many times. I am quite a complex person. I have hidden most of my life, but presented a perfect facsimile of myself to the world that no-one could tell was not real. So to meet deeper and deeper levels of lies and truths inside myself has been difficult. But not as difficult as drowning in a swamp of delusion.

 Relationship is a mirror. It is an intimate reflection of you, in fact the most powerful reflection there is. That is why most people cannot face truly authentic relationship, because they cannot truly face themselves. Yet so many yearn for it. And the relationship rises (or deepens) only to the extent that you rise or deepen within yourself. Ultimately it is always about you. As Osho says, ‘We are alone‘. If we can be truly ok with our aloneness then we can relate clearly and authentically, but if there is any agenda, any demand on the other, any need, then this will rise to the surface for inquiry. And of course these things do rise to the surface as we are not perfect, we have all been conditioned and we all carry some wounds. So the beauty of the relationship is that it can and is willing to hold that, as an ongoing process.

 The power of this kind of relationship is that it is out of the ordinary. The energy field it transmits has a pure and vibrant resonance of love and authenticity. It is deeply attractive to others and extremely magnetic. People will just want to ‘hang out’ in the aroma of it.

 And finally, Gratitude.

The simple writing of this article reminds me how grateful I am to be in the constant presence of one who is true, who loves unconditionally, who defaults to Joy, who plays no games, and who sees me as I am.
It is a rare gift to be graced with this kind of relationship. And I am blessed.

 Kavi Jezzie Hockaday and Amoda Maa Jeevan have been married for two years and in relationship for 11 years.

Amoda is a successful author and spiritual teacher (

Kavi is a musician and coach ( (

They currently live in the South of England.

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