My Story Part 2.
I go into detail about the specifics of my healing journey on other pages. But here I want to introduce the journey, what it involves, particularly for those who read this who may be ill and thinking of going on the healing journey.
One step at a time.
I walked out of the Consultant’s Office and left the hospital. I remember noticing that the hospital suddenly seemed a place of sickness and negativity, not a place of wellness. I felt the weight of what I call ‘illness consciousness’, our common collective acceptance of mass sickness as ‘normal’.
Faced with the unknown, and feeling quite alone (except for Amoda who has been an amazing source of support and knowledge), I was forced to start my journey and take just one step at a time. The mind always wants answers, but on this path the answers are revealed one at a time. There is no finished answer. The answer IS the journey (sounds mysterious! It is and I hope you will come to see what I mean).
I had no idea what to do. Even Google was still in relatively early days, and nowhere near as popular as it is now. And I was a novice.
I go into detail about Ulcerative Colitis here, but my story is so much greater than dealing with the physical body and its symptoms. What I have experienced over the years has been Whole Body Transformation. Up to this point I, like most
people, considered myself to be a body and a personality. I had no idea how connected all aspects of us are. I thought everything was separate. It is part of our social and religious conditioning to see emotions, spirit, each other and the world as separate and disconnected. We have a very dry view of existence.
I have experienced the wonder of discovering that EVERYTHING is connected to everything else! It has been a revelation. So when I began the process of trying to heal my body, pretty soon I found myself having to face my emotional wounding.
And while facing my emotional wounding I began to question my inherited conscious and unconscious beliefs about myself and the world. And all this took me to enquire deeply into Who I Really Am, what is the nature of existence, what is God, etc . It was as though a chain reaction of detoxification and healing was happening and I had to simply follow it, allow it and go with it. And when these four aspects of my being began to truly heal then I totally transformed.
The process took me all the way back to my Family trauma of the 1970s. I understood how deep the trauma had been and how, on every level, the wounding had led to my illness. It demanded my utter forgiveness. (I go into this elsewhere).
There are so many aspects to healing it just cannot be explained rationally as an a,b,c process. Of course there are certain things we can do to detoxify and heal, but it is my firm belief that true healing is a spiritual experience (see Anita Moorjani’s Amazing Cancer story).
And so the question I am always asked, ‘What did you do?!‘
I go into specific details about Ulcerative Colitis here (link) but this is, in general terms, what happened.
I detoxified my physical body with two more Panchakarmas in India. That was like removing all the furniture, floor boards and some of the walls in a house and rebuilding from just the bare bones. Removing the toxicity from the body and returning it to the correct acid/alkaline balance through nutrition has been the main purpose for the last 8 years.
It has taken a long time. I was very toxic. For those who are less toxic, ut may well take less time.
On the emotional level I unlocked, through bodywork, therapy and through the detoxification process itself, all the dark and unloved parts of myself, all the wounded places, the hurt and angry child, and I learned, slowly slowly, to forgive and let go. Gradually my innocent heart opened. I drive to visit my Father and told him about what had happened to me as a child, the effects over the years and that I was ready to let it all go. I told him I had released all blame and anger, I forgave him, my Mother , myself and God and I was at peace. It brought tears of relief to him although he couldn’t express them. I think it allowed him to let go of some of his guilt.
I explored and investigated by own thoughts and feelings of lack and fear, and I began to really question some of my assumptions and beliefs about myself and the world. I came to the conclusion that most of the thoughts we have are not our own, but those we have inherited from our parents, teachers, culture etc. And on top of that only 10% of our awareness is actually conscious. That means 90% of us lives in the subconscious world. We are driven by impulses we are unaware of!
So I made it, and still make it, my mission, to be aware and awake, to meditate, to question, and not to take for granted what I think.
And of course the spiritual aspect of all this really brought me, step by step, to the miraculous realization that I am God, God is me, and that consciousness is that which animates all things. There is no separation between anything. This is the most profound experience and it is this area I really like to explore and share with people. This is where the real healing is…
So as you can see, my journey has been an unraveling, a whole person detoxification and rebuilding. It truly awakened me, and so I tell people when I see them with doubts and fears, ‘NEVER underestimate the healing power of Nature. NEVER underestimate the self healing nature of the human body. And believe, always believe, that you can heal. Explore everything, try everything out,trust yourself, open your heart, know that you can heal’.