Illness and Awakening – The Deepest Acceptance

I lived with major chronic illness for over 10 years.
Fifteen years later I am immensely grateful to the experience.
It played a huge part in my coming to consciousness.
It brought me to humility, tenderness and wisdom.
It forced me to look at the whole of me and let go of what was causing tightness or stress on the system.
It demanded I pay attention to what and how I digested the world, from the food I was eating, to what and how I was emotionally digesting my experiences, past and present.
It was a total revolution of awareness and understanding.

You just can’t experience this kind of thing without it teaching you valuable and humbling truths.
Of course you can also turn away from it in (over) medication, depression, resentment and resignation but that’s not the focus of my attention here. I am speaking to those who are confused, who long to open, who experience the confusion and shock, to those who seek awakening but might be ‘stuck with a persistent chronic (or acute) illness.’

This is really about love and the deepest acceptance of what is.

Yes, I was diagnosed with bowel disease. I felt it was the result of a lifetime of toxic living, major inflammation, buried fear and anxiety and a bad luck call.
I fought it and surrendered.
I loved it.
I hated it.
I listened to it.
I raged at my fate, at the unfairness of it.
I accepted the prospect of death, or the possibility of never healing.
I took it only as personally as I needed, which was a warrior’s task in itself.
I saw the body as illusion and still turned towards love.
I worked with all my beliefs, the good, the bad and the dark.
Ultimately I died into it.
And still I kept on inquiring into it, healing it, working with it.
And don’t misunderstand me, I also worked on inflammation, detox, nourishment, body work modalities, releasing deeply held stress and trauma, and so on. Mine was not a purely ‘spiritual’ journey. It was truly holistic.

The shock of a huge diagnosis in 2005 catapulted me (and Amoda my wife) into fear and panic. It totally engulfed my life but strangely it also focused my energy. There was something almost inevitable about it, it didn’t feel separate from my life. I don’t mean this on the superficial level, because on that level it DID come out of the blue. But on the deeper, intuitive, subtle level, there was a sense that this was a part of my life, albeit uninvited (maybe), but it would be unwise to completely push it away.

I had no choice, it came at me like a massive wave, crashing into my life, into our life.

Those of you who have experienced this know. When illness really strikes it is impossible to ignore. It becomes your new lover, your new teacher.
Illness moves in with you, whether you like it or not. And if you are in relationship suddenly you are in a threesome. It is exactly like an uninvited guest taking up lodging in your body and life.

It becomes your guru or your tormentor, and usually both.

Oh! it hasn’t been easy, it has been relentless. But it has compelled me to go so deep inside myself I found the mine of rubies, that which is untouched by illness, that which is innocent and always free. It actually liberated me. And brought me to love without attachment.

The thing that I learned most about illness is this. It is not ultimately about whether it physically heals, or goes, or any of those things. Of course on a certain level it is very much preferable to be restored to functionality.

But ultimately it is about the depth of the love it can bring us to. The body is a wild teacher, and illness is very wrathful. But it has so much to tell us about ourselves and about life.

This little poem sums up how I feel.

‘If you haven’t fully digested past experiences,
Assimilated what was nourishing
And eliminated what is no longer needed
You may have digestive issues
On all levels of your being.

The past is poison if it rots in your system.’

If this speaks to you, if you are experiencing some of this, I hope it has spoken to you and allowed you to go deeper, or just relieved stress for a moment, or you can feel my tenderness towards you and your suffering. It is all the mystery and none of us knows why or even what really we should do.

As Ram Dass wonderfully said, ‘We are all walking each other home.’

With love – Kavi

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COLONOSCOPY Results – COLITIS HAS GONE! – Healed Naturally

OK friends, I am very overdue with a blog post, so here goes.

The truth is I am considering winding up my holistic stuff, both here on WordPress and my Facebook page. I know there is some value for people who need inspiration and some guidance in these troubling times of chronic illness and confusion, but I can only do so many things and put my focus in so many areas, and my attention is drawn to my wife’s work, retreats and meetings we do together, and my poetry and music.

I am not sure so if you have anything to say please let me know.

ANYWAY…

Recently, in December, I finally succumbed to having a colonoscopy screening for colon cancer. I haven’t had a colonoscopy for over 8 years and have not wanted to have one. But since being here in the US, having some symptoms and a history of ulcerative colitis, the clinic persuaded me (through fear) that I should have one. I resisted because I don’t respond to fear based invitations, but last year (2018) as a result of a very intense detoxification program (thanks to Medical Medium protocol – link at the end) I started to get blood and mucus in my stool. It tested positive for blood and I managed, through grace, and living in progressive San Francisco, to get myself a colonoscopy FREE!

Believe me, that is a result, and one for which I am very grateful, because the cost of a colonoscopy can be up to $3000.

But I was very reluctant because I simply don’t like responding to life from fear.

The procedure happened December 20th at Kaiser hospital in San Francisco. What an experience! Talk about conveyor belt of colonoscopies, I have never seen anything like it. Apparently Kaiser in California hold the Guinness World Record for the most colonoscopies in one day (https://k-p.li/2TBUAeN )

It was super efficient and unlike the English more laid back system. This was AMERICAN! That means pretty big, efficient and no nonsense.

I had prepared for the procedure with the usual muck to clean the system, but to be honest it wasn’t very tough, just some tablets and drink and lots of bowel movement until I was empty, no solid food and so on. It’s not that scary when you have done these things before.

They sedated me in the procedure room and talked about what would happen and I expected to be half awake like in England and then boom! I woke up with Amoda next to me in the recovery room, totally oblivious to what happen. They knock you out here, simple as that.

So then we delicately made our way home for some nice food and a day of recovery.

RESULTS! This is what you want to hear about…

Well, the big news is double pronged.

First. No sign of any colon cancer. Done. I didn’t expect any but of course I am in increased danger because of a history of colon inflammation. But all clear. Yay!

Second. There is no inflammation, and therefore no colitis, in the colon. There is a small amount of inflammation in the rectum, and they want to call that proctitis. That means, and I am going to shout this so that if you want to share it with those who have ulcerative colitis or inflammatory bowel disease, THERE IS NO COLITIS, AND NO INFLAMMATION, IN MY colon. I do not have ULCERATIVE COLITIS any more at all. It’s gone. There is a small amount of inflammation in the rectum. That does not call for much action, although of course their recommended treatment involves pharmaceuticals (Canasa, whatever that is!)
This is really great news and supports the notion that this chronic disease and therefore many other chronic auto immune conditions, can actually be healed, certainly vastly improved, through NATURAL METHODS. Because in all the 12 or so years I experienced this thing called ulcerative colitis, I didn’t take one tablet of medication. That was my firm decision, and even though it was challenging and demanding, and the whole journey of healing was extraordinary, the results are in…

IT IS NOT THERE ANY MORE.

The consultant I saw in University College Hospital in London in 2005 told me, absolutely and without any discussion, that ‘You will have it for life, and you will be on medication for life.’

I wish I could see him today, and show him the letter I have from my MD who did the colonoscopy.

So there you have it friends. All those years of healing work, from the physical, diet, and body work and exercise, to the emotional, the cathartic, the spiritual, the forgiveness, the acceptance, the resolve to dig deeper, the whole shebang of the healing journey, all worth it.

But not worth it because of this colonoscopy, although I do feel proud and vindicated because of it, worth it because it forged me as a warrior who decided to find his own way, to buck the system that says ‘You can’t do that,’ and to choose to find out for myself. I did find out for myself.

And the news was good.

Thanks for reading!

 

Medical Medium Heavy Metal Detox Smoothie – http://www.medicalmedium.com/blog/heavy-metal-detox-smoothie

Everything (Including Illness) is Included in the Spiritual Journey.

Everything (Including Illness) is included in the Spiritual Journey.

I spent nearly 10 years seriously ill, from about 2004 to 2014. I had major chronic autoimmune illness. I won’t share the details but enough to say it was dramatic, not life threatening but totally debilitating, and it completely shattered my ability to live a ‘normal’ life.
I wrote a book about the experience called ‘The Power of Illness to Change Your Life.’


http://a.co/d/3ShFibv

It also invited me into the deepest inner journey of my life.
I see that period of my life as an entirely transformational one.
I cannot begin to tell you how deep it was. It was total. It took me to every part of myself, every unexplored area, every vulnerability, every attachment, every fear.

It demanded I resolve all past grievances and traumas. It urged me to accept the prospect of death, or a life of permanent illness.

It took me to rage and anger at my past, at myself, and at God
.
And of course it had a huge impact on my relationship with Amoda. She hadn’t signed up for a relationship with this. To her utter credit she just rolled with it and allowed me to have my inner journey, supporting where and when appropriate and encouraging me to dive in deeper.

I took absolutely no medication despite the frantic advice of the specialists and doctors. To some, to many, that was irresponsible. To us it was necessary. I followed nature, I followed intuition, I followed some instinct that said, ‘This will heal, you will heal.’

It was tough, warrior-like tough. I have been on my knees, on the floor. I have given it all up to god, I have surrendered my body for the peace of love and had that prayer answered.
I have embraced the human journey with all its fragility and its temporariness.

And I am not one of the spiritual ‘nondualists’ who want to deny the existence of the body and cast it aside as unimportant. I am not one of those.

I say love the body. Love the life. Find out for yourself what it means for consciousness, for the soul, for the spirit, to be in the form of a temporary vessel that will inevitably perish.

Explore the link between thought, belief and wellbeing and illness.

Don’t be afraid of the body, and don’t be afraid of attending to it. It’s not the enemy of freedom. It’s not the shackle that ties us down. Thought and belief are the shackles that bind us.

I have learned to be free AND live fully in the body while I am here.

I eat well and healthy. I run, yes I run, a lot. I love the freedom and joy of movement. And when I can’t do it any more, I will see if I can love that. When old age arrives, I will see if I can open to it, I will seek to embrace the fear I have of form dissolving.

But I won’t deny the human experience as not ‘spiritual.’ Everything is included.

Thank you for reading!

Childhood Autoimmune Disease – Why?

I have recently been approached by my Ayurvedic doctors here in the US to talk to a couple who live here in California, who have a daughter just diagnosed with ulcerative colitis at 9 years old!

What they want from me is some of my experience with the ‘illness’ and what happened, what I did, what to expect etc etc.

We have had one call so far and in all honesty what I offered them was a listening ear and lots of empathy for the shock they are in.

They didn’t see it coming, why would you?

There were some minor indications but nothing big, until suddenly bam! Hospital for acute symptoms.

And then equally as suddenly they are in the medical system, and the medical system when it comes to auto immune and blood loss and acute symptoms in the bowel area is extreme medication to stop blood loss in its tracks and pump the body full of steroids or non steroidal meds.

And then there is the anaemia, and this is a child!

Why are more and more young people, and even tiny children, getting this?
GMO?
Vaccine?
Environmental Toxins?
Virus’s?

Anyway, I am supporting them with this sudden change in life they are going to have, because now they need to change. Things don’t just go away, there is no band aid, no magic bullet, for auto immune or any other chronic disease. We have to adjust and include it in our lives.

This couple will have to research and grow in awareness and knowledge. They need to become advocates for their little girl, she is going to need them.

Can she heal?
I hope so, and I do believe so. But its an ongoing balance and dance between the needs demanded by acute situations and the pressure of the medical authorities and the possibility of natural healing.

My heart goes out to them, and thats why I’m doing something different by supporting them.

https://www.todaysparent.com/kids/kids-health/inflammatory-bowel-disease-is-becoming-more-common-in-kids/ 

SHORT FAST – Chipping Away at Ill Health

The incremental benefits of short fasts.

We spend so much time looking for the magic bullet treatment that we are in danger of missing the benefits of slowly slowly chipping away at ill health.

I have often thought ‘Oh if only I did another long water fast, like 21 days, it would help me so much!’

But in truth what I notice is that, while I wait to see if that is possible, I do what I can, and what I can is to water fast almost every day, finishing eating by at least 4pm and not eating till breakfast the next day. That gives about 16 hours of fasting.
Honestly, that is so beneficial to the body, to digestion, to assimilation that it really should not be over looked.

We don’t need half of what we actually eat. Most of eating is habit, a lot of it is emotional, and some of it is essential.
At first choosing to fast after lunch feels terrible. The mind screams ‘NO! WE WILL DIE!’ and will drive us towards desperate action.

But if you persist the body quickly gets used to it and begins to appreciate the opportunity it now has to start to slowly ‘clean house.’ If you go to bed with no digestion happening, or very little, it helps sleep, helps the liver, and thus helps the whole system.

Eating late in the evening is an absolute no no in our house, never happens, never. And I know people work, and people have kids and busy lives.

But if you are drawn to short fasting you have to find a way.

Some resources for you:

https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/intermittent-fasting-guide#what-it-is 

http://www.sciencemag.org/news/2015/06/short-term-fasting-may-improve-health

https://www.allaboutfasting.com/how-long-should-you-fast.html

Update on Gut Healing and IBD, Colitis Books

Greetings!

I want to update you about some links to the best books I know for general gut healing and specifically colitis, crohn’s and all things ‘colonic.’

Some old links will no longer work from tomorrow, August 1st. Those links are to Jini Patel Thompson’s ‘Listen To Your Gut’ book on my site. And to her website in general, which has lots of products and information about healing IBD, colitis and crohn’s.


This is the new link to her shop:
Listen To Your Gut Shop

Her book has been downloaded and bought many times and it seems to help. At the very least it provides a springboard to new ideas. At best it gives very detailed and practical knowledge of what to do during acute episodes of colitis and crohn’s, what probiotics to take, how and what to eat, and the emotional side of IBD.

It is worth a look if you are still lost and wondering what to do.

 

Click on the book picture to check out the book itself.

Thanks, and have a great day.

Kavi

Motivation and the Healing Path

I have just been scrolling through my site here and considering my book ‘The Power of Illness to Change Your Life,’ and what it is actually about.

I have realized that it’s really a motivational book, and I am a motivational speaker and writer and coach. Not a conventional one by any means, but I am motivational by nature. It is who I am, and who I have always been. I bring hope, I bring some light and some love, not on the surface but to the heart and soul.

In that sense, and I explore this somewhat in the book, whether physical healing happens or not is not the point.

Healing is what actually happens in the heart and soul of each one of us. The physical body, and our lives, are set to perish anyway, sooner or later. It’s a sad truth but there it is. And of course we want to hold on to health, and remove disease, for as long as possible while we are here.

But finding acceptance, peace, love and a deep spiritual connection, is more important. Those are qualities that transcend the physical body, the ego self and all its fears and anxieties and open the door to something entirely new.

That’s the motivation I have. It’s the willingness to face all this, and open my heart and mind in the midst of it. I had to, when I was ill and suffering, I had to make peace with myself, with my past demons, with my family and with God.

You see, I have learned over a long period of time that this life I was graced with, is a voyage of discovery, an ongoing conversation and relationship between me and God. God is the entirety of existence, everything that I see, feel, experience, touch and know. The whole world I encounter is God. I believed myself to be separate from all of life, and life was somehow happening to me.

And over the course of a long healing journey that belief perished like an old ghost and I found myself to be in the world, the world in me, and all was one thing. I became existence and existence expresses itself through me.

Until that time I had a beef with God.

And I saw that each man and woman carries the same wound. We are all the same, but with our own stories. Me and you, we are the same, all struggling with existence itself, how to live, what to do about death, how to relate, the whole thing.

Now there is such a peace and love and acceptance. So there is a great motivation in me to support others as they walk the path of healing, however it appears for them. I don’t preach, I don’t tell and I don’t persuade. I motivate through a kind of holistic logic.

Each man and woman carries the same existential wound. We are all the same, but with our own stories.

Why I’m saying all this is not to sell you my book. It is because the path of life, like the path of healing, is pretty tough, challenging and mysterious. We are called to dive into the unknown. When the body is sick and we are called to the unknown it’s nigh on terrifying, because we desperately want to know what to do to heal the body. The body is a ruthless teacher. There is no simple answer.

There is the journey, the relationship, the inquiry, the awareness, the self love, the diligence, the persistence, the knowledge, the softness and the warrior-like ness that may transform us.

In the dark we are scared. That fear blocks our natural intelligence, our intuition. It creates cellular dehydration and shuts us off from the light, both inner and outer, and that is where some of our intelligence comes from.

My aim is to help people past fear, not avoiding it, but not giving it more power than it warrants. Fear is a powerful voice, but fear must be met with discernment. When discernment listens to fear it knows whether it’s worthy of taking action or not. That comes through experience.

I think my book was a rough attempt at this motivation. Some people have read it a few times and used it in the way it was intended. We need each other to say ‘Yes I did it, you can too.’ And then it gives us just enough encouragement to put the next foot forward. 

Does the body always heal?

No. 

Do it anyway, for the sake of your heart and soul. It is more important to find the depth of loving acceptance while you are here. The healing journey is an invitation to this depth of love.

That is what happened to me. Illness definitely changed my life. For the better. It allowed me to meet myself and transform fear into love.

I hope this speaks to you if you are on the path.