I have been searching for harmony and balance all my life. I just didn’t know I was searching. In my experience most of the search of human beings is for harmony and balance.
The spiritual search, the health search, the relationship search, even the purpose and career search is all about finding what you could call, ‘The Sweet Spot.’
Not many people think about it. I do. It was pointed out to me many times in my earlier life when I sought natural practitioners and wisdom teachers.
Particularly vocal were most of the Chinese Practitioners I saw. I was running hot in my body and emotions, very hot. But I felt cold so much of the time. This was before I developed so called Inflammatory Bowel Disease. But the preconditions were there. This was in the early/middle 1990s and I was in my late 30s, early 40s. Life was unravelling on all levels but manifesting mostly on the physical level.
The Chinese Practitioners were always astonished that I carried such extremes in my body. They usually laughed when they felt my pulse and said, ‘Too much yin one day, then too much yang next day. No balance.’ Of course I had no real idea what they were talking about. But what they said felt right to me. I was all over the place mentally and emotionally. A total unpredictable mess. And at that time there was no way I could get anywhere near those imbalances to address them and heal them. They were off limits and 100% inaccessible. It would take another 15 years before I was mature and broken enough to take on my emotional wounds.
So the practitioners were left trying to balance me through herbs, healing the liver, spleen and gut. It was a long, long path.
My healing has honestly taken, I would say, from early 1995 or so until the present day. Thats over 20 years on this path. Of course things have changed so much, and now I don’t see a path I just see life, and once you get a taste for transformation and healing things begin to have their own momentum.
But back then it was incredibly painful and such hard work. I was so brittle and emotionally unavailable. And I had never had a sense of myself in balance. I lost myself when I was about 15 years old and struggling with a dysfunctional family and my discovery of psychedelic drugs and drinking. That was it for me…I was gone for the next 20 years.
So I had no idea what a balanced ‘Kavi’ would look like or feel like. I just assumed I was the way I was and that was it. I had no idea who or what I was. So I was just shooting in the dark.
Fast forward to my first Panchakarma in Mumbai, India in winter 2004/early 2005. We were there to receive the full 6 week Ayurvedic detoxification treatment on the advice of our Ayurvedic Practitioners. I had seen them out of desperation because I was really not well. Things may have improved with all the alternative treatment I had received, but always I would slip back into disharmony and imbalance. They were very concerned for me and advised immediate and full detoxification and Ayurvedic rebalancing.
The entire 6 week experience was a nightmare for me, because it activated all the toxic chemicals in my body, and rattled all my emotional trigger points, and threatened my mental comfort zone. I had a migraine headache the whole 6 weeks. I just kept going because I had to. Anyway, and here is part of the point of the story.
One morning in the midst of this horror story of toxic hell I woke up feeling fantastic! I had never felt anything like it. It was unrecognisable. It wasn’t like drugs or anything. It wasn’t that kind of elation or ‘leaving reality’ kind of feeling. It was, in fact, totally grounded and clear. I felt present and calm, I felt relaxed and centred. I was completely in my body and calm in my emotions. I could look everyone completely in the eye. There was no stress, anxiety, panic, anger, fear or unwanted thoughts. I felt like myself, at home and normal.
It was so new, such a previously unknown sense of myself, that it took me by surprise. Each day we had to visit the doctor to have a check. So off we went and, when it was my turn, I presented myself. They were used to seeing me and my troubles, always problems, but this time the doctor looked at me and smiled, took my pulse and said,’ This is who you are. This is you when you are balanced. Your inner system, your doshas (energy systems) are balanced today and this could be your dominant state of being. This is you.‘
I was shocked to the core!!
The only memory I had of such a feeling was of early childhood, maybe 8 or 9 years old, innocent and playful, free in body and mind, untouched by the troubles that were to come.
The next day the feeling was gone, and didn’t return for many years.
And the feeling I had that day has stayed with me always. It made me a servant of inner balance. It began to forge me into the kind of holistic dude I am today. Of course I then had to go through 10 years of healing major dis-ease to really find the balance. But that day, that experience, that visceral knowing what I could be, gave me the inspiration to seek it for the rest of my life.
And 12 years since that Panchakarma, I have become the person I felt myself to be that day.
Now I see it everywhere in people who are out of balance. Society is, sad to say, an Imbalanced State. If we are adjusted to it, we are adjusted to the maladjusted society.
Our job is to know we are seeking inner balance and outer balance. Insight is half the job. Awareness of what is happening. If you are way too acidic, that very imbalance is going to reflect in your hot emotions and hot thoughts and feelings. Irritation, anger, hot flashes, outbursts, or suppressed anger. If you swing a lot, or get too cold, you may well experience fear and anxiety. We have no idea what causes what, whether its the chicken or the egg. The point is, it doesn’t matter. But they are connected. So addressing the body heals the emotions and the mind. Addressing the emotions and the mind heals the body. DOING BOTH ACCELERATES THE HEALING!.
It is an unfolding journey, and sometimes you are more on track than other times. But when it happens, when harmony and balance happens, it is remarkable, and it is entirely normal.
Try contemplating this. See in your life where there is balance, where there is imbalance. See if you can find how imbalance reflects itself in different areas of your being. Look in your thoughts, beliefs, emotions, relationships, habits, addictions, and you will discover a whole world of stuff.
And then seek harmony.
I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. I didn’t expect to write this one!
Please comment if it has inspired you, or brought up any questions or observations.